Picture this: You’re watching a popular romantic comedy.
The main female character, let’s call her Jane, is head-over-heels in love with John, the main male character.
John is gorgeous, successful, charismatic and slightly mysterious, and he loves to flirt with Jane.
John is also a “bad boy” who's left a string of broken hearts behind him and wants nothing to do with committed love.
John has Avoidant Attachment.
Jane has pretty much never had a stable relationship either, because she consistently chooses the wrong guys.
In fact, there’s a really nice guy, Martin, who’s kind and secure and has everything to offer, and he’s been trying to catch Jane’s eye. But it’s like she has blinders on.
Martin just doesn’t excite her like John does. There’s no spark.
So while Martin eventually gives up, Jane keeps pining after John.
Jane exhibits the patience of a saint, the beauty of a supermodel (underneath her nerdy glasses and baggy sweatshirt), infinite generosity, and a need to always be taking care of others.
And, even though she knows it’s dangerous, she just can’t stop herself from loving John!
Jane has Anxious Attachment.
By the end of the film, after numerous dramas and unexplainable coincidences (and Jane's magical makeover), John suddenly realizes he loves Jane and does a 180, declaring that he IS ready for a serious relationship.
Allegedly, they ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
But as much as all the anxiously attached women out there want to believe that's possible, I'm calling BS!
Because … what’s missing from this picture?
Neither Jane nor John has done any work on themselves.
John “magically” changes because Jane is finally “good enough” for him to settle down.
This is not what happens, and is the exact trap you want to avoid at all costs.
Avoidant people don’t change because you want them to, or because you please them, or because you offer the safe supportive environment they need in order to open up and heal their wounds!
They change when they decide it’s time, after a lot of deep, inner work to rewire the fundamental reason they are terrified of intimacy and closeness.
And there is NOTHING you can do to speed that process along.
And Jane? Jane is never going to feel relaxed around John or be able to trust him until she does her own deep work to rewire the root of her over-giving, self-deprecating, people-pleasing ways, and creates a solid foundation of self-worth.
And even if she gave up and chose Martin — knowing intellectually, that he’s a healthier choice — she’d probably be bored. And sabotage her relationship with him because it doesn’t trigger the part of her brain that believes love feels like danger and excitement.
Here’s the more likely ending to the story:
Jane and John have a wild, whirlwind romance for 3 months. Then, John starts calling and texting less and less, and Jane has this gnawing sense that something isn’t quite right.
She tells John she wants more of his attention, and he says she’s being too needy. He starts disappearing for longer and longer periods of time, which makes Jane feel crazy. He did tell her he loved her, after all! She gets graspy, and he pulls further and further away until they break up. She winds up devastated, and deeply depressed, and he moves on to the next fling.
Hollywood endings are not all they're cracked up to be, (and I know you know that, intellectually, but sometimes we need a reminder). AND that doesn’t mean your love life can’t be dreamy!
Getting to the root cause
You simply need to get at the root of the issue and rewire the pattern that has you stuck in this infuriating dynamic, so you can get into a happy, lasting relationship.
I created a Masterclass to help you understand the 5 core shifts you need to make to turn this around forever. I HIGHLY recommend you take a few minutes to check it out.
And, if this speaks to you and you're ready to take the first step in healing it's time for you to apply for a complimentary Love Breakthrough session.
On the call, we'll uncover the underlying pattern that has you attracted to men like John, then map out exactly what you need to do to shift it and get into the best relationship of your life.
When you’re ready to break this pattern for yourself, you know what to do! … Join us for the Masterclass and we’ll see you on the other side!