If I had to boil my entire dating philosophy down to just two words, it would be: “Go slow.”
Why? Because when you move too quickly, you miss the most important signals.
… Signals that they’re not ready or available for a committed relationship.
… Signals that they’re not emotionally mature.
… Signals that they’re not trustworthy.
… Signals that they lack discernment.
… Signals that they have ideas about family and friends that don’t jive with yours.
… Signals that they’re not financially secure.
… Signals that they treat people poorly.
… Signals that they’re just looking for a short term hit of pleasure and aren’t serious.
The list goes on.
Why does moving too quickly in dating cause you to miss these important signals?
It’s because of your attachment system: As soon as your nervous system thinks you’re in a relationship with someone, it will wire you to that person, whether or not you consciously want to.
This is why you can be very clear-headed about a date, know they aren’t right for you, tell yourself that you’re not going to get attached to them and that you just want to have some fun, but suddenly find yourself feeling like you can’t live without them.
You moved too fast and crossed a line that activated your attachment system.
What does moving too fast look like?
Moving too fast can look like:
- Getting sexual too early on, which releases the bonding hormone oxytocin (which affects your ability to make conscious decisions)
- Or it can look like texting and talking on the phone every day, which makes you feel like you’re already in a committed relationship
- Or even planning your future together during the first few dates (yikes!)
All of these things activate your attachment system, which is designed to keep you safe by bonding you to your family and partner.
Once activated, your survival instincts will want you to hang onto that person for dear life — even if you start seeing things about them that don’t work for you.
You then wind up attached to someone who isn’t a safe person to attach to — who will never really be your partner or your family.
But because your nervous system doesn’t understand that, leaving them feels like death.
This is why so many people stay with partners that are no good for them — because their instincts are saying they will die if they leave.
My 2-Word Dating Mantra: GO SLOW
So this is why my dating mantra is Go Slow.
You don’t want to attach to someone who isn’t worthy of your commitment.
You can’t really know someone until a number of dates and some months have passed.
And they can’t really know you.
If you get attached before then it’s based on projection and illusion.
This is so simple and not remotely easy.
This is what stops most people with an anxious attachment style from going slow:
You get scared that if you say no or ask them to move slowly, they’ll get impatient and move on.
You get swept away by your chemistry/turn-on and cross your own boundaries.
You want to buy into the fantasy of love at first sight because it feels so good … at first.
They skillfully push your boundaries, play on your insecurities, and before you know what’s even happened, you’ve done things you later regret.
This is why I strongly recommend that you get expert level help with this.
And this is exactly what I do.
I help you heal the deep patterning that causes you to move too fast, even when you know better, so you can take the time needed to choose someone who is truly right for you.
Here’s your next step: I made you a video to help you get clear on the shifts you can make to heal your attachment style and find a great partner. Click below to watch it now!
Because … putting simple wisdom into action is simply the smartest thing you can do for yourself.