Recently, in our Facebook group, a woman asked this question: “Why do I always do better when NOT in a relationship?”
When she's single, she’s more successful in her career, she does better in courses/school, she has a more active and fulfilling social life, takes better care of her health, sleeps better and is a much higher achiever overall.
She’s not alone. Many women with an insecure attachment style have this same experience.
Why Does Single FEEL Better?
When you’re single, you feel more in control. You may feel sad that you aren’t in a relationship, but your nervous system remains calm.
Once you start to fall in love with someone (or get attached to them in any way), your nervous system activates, which means that suddenly you don’t feel like you’re in control anymore.
You may start to feel ungrounded, anxious, and notice that you're thinking about him all the time.
This makes it challenging to be your usual, confident, productive, ambitious self!
Your Nervous System Goes on High Alert
At first, it doesn’t even matter if the relationship is healthy or unhealthy — love feels scary, which amps up your nervous system for two main reasons:
1. Because it’s vulnerable: New love is risky — you could lose it. The person could change their mind about you. You could change your mind about them. You’re living in the unknown. If you haven’t learned how to navigate this tender, early stage of a relationship, it can cause you to sabotage it (by abandoning yourself and the things you love, by picking fights with your new partner, by breaking up with him …)
2. Because you aren’t wired for healthy love: If you grew up with a parent who was distant, overbearing, abusive or unpredictable, you subconsciously coded that as “normal,” and your nervous system will want to you to go back to the familiar place where you feel unloved or suffocated. Anything else will feel “off” to your nervous system, even if your conscious mind thinks it’s great. If you haven’t done the work to rewire your attachment style, it will be very hard for you to have a healthy relationship.
Support for Rewiring Insecure Attachment
This is why it is so important to get the skills and support to navigate a new relationship with grace and to rewire your insecure attachment style to be more secure.
This is also why you need to learn how to discern whether a relationship is healthy or not, to know whether you should let it go if you start feeling anxious, or if you just need to self-soothe.
And these changes are necessary if you want to experience a happy, lasting relationship where you feel in control of your emotions and you’re able to thrive in all areas of your life.
And this is exactly how I help my clients.
I’ve spent over a dozen years applying what I learned on my own healing journey to help hundreds of women (and dozens of men) go from feeling anxiety and confusion in love, to getting into the best relationships of their lives.
Now it’s your turn.
If you’re ready to transform your love anxiety into love mastery, it's time to join our Women's Masterclass to get clear on the shifts you can make to rewire these patterns and feel confident while getting into an amazing relationship!
You'll get amazing value from our time together if you show up willing to be open, be vulnerable, and take bold action toward your dreams.
P.S. Last week alone, 2 clients shared that they are now dating someone who could become their life partner — after feeling like it was practically impossible when we started working together a few months ago. It all started with the 5 Shifts we outline in the Women's Masterclass. Check it out here.
P.P.S. Looking for the Men's Masterclass? We've got you covered here!